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31st May 2021
I thought I loved myself, but I didn’t. I don’t. Not really.
The more work I do to expand into the whole of my soul, the more it becomes clear that what I thought was love is actually borne of conditions. I only love myself … actually, I probably wouldn’t even go that far … I only really ‘like’ myself, or ‘accept’ myself when I feel good (and usually that, too, is borne of judgements), or think I look good. There’s no ‘beauty and love are on the inside’, or any of those gentle reminders I’d offer to others. Not when it comes to looking at myself.
There is much disdain, much confusion, much ignorance in our world over what it even means to love yourself. And I think this is because we don’t properly know what love feels like. And I think we don’t know what it feels like because we’re never really loved unconditionally as we grow up. We simply do not know, we have no idea whatsoever, what it feels like to be on the end of true, unconditional love. To be loved wholly for just being who we are. So how can we ever hope to give that sort of love to ourselves. Instead, we’ll laugh or hide or excuse our way out of the fact that we have no idea how to have this conversation.
… we’ll laugh, or hide, or excuse our way out of the fact that we have no idea how to have this conversation.
We can only give to ourselves to the extent that we have been taught what love is – and to me it’s been something invisible, which is dependent on us doing or not doing the right thing, behaving or not behaving in the right way, looking or not looking acceptable, meeting or not meeting external standards and expectations. Many of us learnt that the best hope we had of receiving acceptance was to comply. We grew to believe that if we did what we were told, and compromised our souls, we would be loved and lovable. Hence, we put all these same conditions on ourselves, unconsciously striving to be accepted, to matter, but the reality is, we never actually get there. Not really. We never manage to reach that goal of feeling true love for ourselves, because we grew up with that same goal, to feel loved and lovable by the people in our life, and we never reached it then either. It always was just that bit too far, always another dangling carrot’s distance away.
For many it was never even in sight. Love, or the hope of love, wasn’t even a thing. And now we condemn people as they act out their adult lives confused, chaotic, lost. We all have our self-destructive behaviours, some more disempowering than others, and there’s a reason that we do.
So here we find ourselves in our twenty-first century, first world paradise of materialism, corruption and greed, numb, if not collectively dead to the feeling of love, of compassion, of true and open acceptance of each other without judgement. As humanity, we have all but lost our ability to even recognise our own power, never mind stand in it.
Seeing the light of self love
I am healing and releasing those non-love chains. Now that I can see the patterns, and the evidence, I am cleansing myself of so much energetic trauma that I am beginning to see the light of self love. I’m noticing and acknowledging the reflections of both love and judgement, and I am choosing to follow the guidance of my soul into pure and unconditional love. For myself.
I am giving myself the honour of aligning with my energy body and that means making space for me, listening to me and trusting me. I am choosing to do what I love, what feeds my soul. I’m getting better and better at speaking my truth, standing in my truth, and living my truth. I’m allowing only relationships that are empowering for both of us involved. I’m working three-and-a-half days a week, and having three-and-a-half for myself, for me and for my family. I’m exchanging worth instead of selling my time or being controlled or dictated to by others. I’m changing paradigms and stagnant life patterns, I’m choosing different and new ways so that others can see that they can do that too. I am choosing to rise into self love, self care, self worth, self esteem and self empowerment because I can finally see what that really means. It’s not arrogance, it’s not egotistical and it’s not cocky. It’s humble, it’s self nurturing, it’s freeing and most of all it’s truly honouring what’s right for your soul’s expression in this life.
Your pathway back to your soul and into your personal sovereignty is waiting for you. I can show you the way.